Had I been born a Welshman

Had I been born a Welshman,
my mam would have called me Dai
For Wales I’d have played rugby
And at Twickenham scored a try.
I’d be in the Pontypool front row
A half ton of blubber from head to toe

I would have had a golden voice
And sing in a male voice choir
To be a school teacher would be my choice
But be mistook in the street for Max Boyce
With his dark curly hair and sideburns
But alas, not the money he earns.

Had I been born a Welshman
My granddad would have been a miner,
I’m sure he would have known Lloyd George
And I would always vote Labour.
Yes, I’d carry the torch for my valley
But vacation each year in Miami.

Of course I would speak such perfect Welsh
And pronounce those difficult long names
And I’d know the best way to cook leeks
And be glad we had Welsh language telly
To keep the language going we must try,
Though I myself would always watch Sky.

The coal mines are all gone you see
And we’re not much good in a factory,
Only the grass for our sheep is now free
I’m going to have to become a Tory
And the evil EC with that crafty old Kinnock
Would have the whole place as a tourist resort

Such chapels and churches I’ve never seen,
They’re scattered o’er the land like confetti
Here for the revival you should have been
But did it leave us a legacy?
We should be the most Godly place on Earth
Instead we’re just a spiritual dearth.

So keep a welcome in the valley
When I come home to Wales.
‘Cause I have a good job in Bromley,
And good pay from computer sales
Yes I like to visit the Rhonda
But I’m glad I don’t have to live there.